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Dear Dad, I Need You In My Life

When you clear your schedule just to make time for me, I notice. When you intentionally seek me out just to talk to me, I feel special. When you purposely stay a little longer to snuggle at bedtime, I feel lost in your warmth.

Your time is worth more to me and speaks my worth to me more than anything else. Tell me I am valuable to you, and I will see myself as valuable. When you believe in me, I will be more courageous, more confident, more willing to take steps forward.

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When you focus on my strengths and abilities, you will allow me to solve my own problems and fix my own mistakes. And that speaks volumes. Tell me you see me as strong, and I will see myself as even stronger! I need to hear your reassuring words whispered in my ear that tomorrow is a new day and that you believe I have what it takes to get back up and try again. I need to be able to share all my insecurities, doubts, and fears with you. Tell me my heart is safe with you, and I will trust you with my whole heart.

When I am sad or afraid; when I feel confused; when my life takes an uncertain turn; or even when everything else seems so unpredictable, I need to know I can run into your loving arms, and you will hold me so closely. Tell me I belong to you, and I will feel a sense of belonging that will impact my life forever.

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It always has been. Five years ago, Mom had acted so atrociously at a get-together with other family friends—four months after she told me not to bother coming home for Christmas—that the person who was co-hosting it with me noticed and was uncomfortable. Even though there were other people present who watched her refuse to hug me when I said hello with a big smile, and actively avoid me while whispering about me to another friend from across the room, you never bothered to find out if the story she told you was true. You just wanted there to be no conflict in your life and Mom being upset at me hardly unusual was bothering you; so you sent me an email rife with blame and anger instead of calling and speaking to me.

I may be an adult, but I need you. Of course I do. So many of my best traits come from you. My dark, dry humor. My ability to land on my feet.

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My willingness to work hard and get done what needs to be done. My enjoyment of nature and simple pleasures, like a beer after a long day well, wine for me , and a song I love on the radio. A perfectly thrown pass.

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And, you know, Dad, I have always liked spending time with you. The sorrow I feel missing out on the times we could be spending together is pretty intense at times. It may not have been intentional, but your innate sense of fairness and reliance on reason rubbed off on me. I was 9 and we were surrounded by Bush signs and supporters; I noticed that you were different long before I was old enough to participate in heated political discussions with you and Uncle Jim over games of euchre at Christmas.